Yes, it has been over a year since I wrote my last blog, and I could list another million excuses and none of them would be good enough. I wrote a couple of posts, but none of them were good enough to publish, so I haven’t.
Anyways, I was on Stumbleupon today (Have you ever tried it? It’s pretty awesome), and I stumbled upon a site where you can earn money by making a list. Sooo I was having a hell of a time thinking of something, so I thought of something humorous to write about. I sent it in and got a reply saying that they only accept factual lists…which they never said on their site. I felt like I wasted an hour and a half for nothing. But then I thought, “Hey! I could post it on my blog!” And that’s what I’ve decided to do. Think of this as a welcoming home to my blog. I’m not making any more promises about writing anything on the blog, but we’ll see. If I still have any fans out there, thanks for being there for me.
Okay! Enjoy!
Most people have used or heard the phrase at one point or another "If only ___ ___ could talk". Well, it is a firm belief that there are a few household objects that you wouldn't want to talk, even if they could.
1. Your Bed. Now this object seems fairly simple and straight-forward. A lot of things go on, or may not go on, when a person (or people) are in bed, therefore the bed is not an object that you would want talking. For example, take a guy who has had a lot of women in his bed. If his bed could talk, he may warn future girls of how many past partners the man has had, or even tell the girls to get tested afterwards. The bed may even put in its two-cents when it comes to a guy getting frisky with a girl for the first time. Even though it may be cool if you're playing video games in bed and the computer gives you tips on where to drop the blocks in Tetris, I'm pretty sure the bad outweighs the good.
2. Your Refrigerator. Talk about an object that knows a bit too much about you, excuse the pun. Some may say it would be a good thing having the refrigerator say things like, "Are you kidding me? Another bowl of ice cream? Girl, pull yourself together!" or "All those Zumba classes are really going to waste". Even though this would seem like a good way to keep the weight off, it may push a person to eat even more due to low self-esteem. Although your refrigerator could keep track of your favorite recipes and what food you are running low on, having them tell your guests that you need more Activia yogurt may not be something you are comfortable revealing.
3. Your Television. Even though your TV would be able to record your favorite shows when you didn't realize they're on, imagine how annoying it would be if the television already saw the episode that you're watching for the first time. Spoiler alerts are annoying coming from other people, but when they are coming from your TV, you can't exactly smack them and tell them to shut up. You could throw a remote at it, but may have to buy a new TV and start the process all over again. Your TV could also gossip about TV shows you don't care about that it watches when you are not around. Imagine having the TV talk about what's going on in Honey Boo Boo's life or who was revealed to be pregnant on Entertainment Tonight. Unless your television shares your interests, you are going to have issues at some point.
4. Your Toilet. Not only would it be hard to understand what the toilet is saying, imagine WHAT the toilet WOULD be saying! It probably is not in anyone's best interest to go into too much detail here, so this should probably just be left to your own imagination. Just assume that it would not be pleasant or something that anyone would want to be repeated.
5. Your computer. There are so many things that could go wrong if your computer had the ability to talk. Like a person's bed, they could put in their two-cents about every online activity you do, but they would be more annoying about it. Imagine getting on Facebook and having your computer tell you what to put as your status, tell you who to talk to, or say, "Oh my! Blah's in a relationship with Whoever again?! When are they going to learn!". The computer would be into all social aspects of your life, and because a lot of what people do nowadays revolves around a computer, they would be into all other aspects of your life as well. Your computer probably knows you better than anyone, so it's probably best that what they know remains a secret.
6. Your car. If you are a good driver, this may not be a problem. If, on the other hand, you are a bad driver, then having your car talk would be a nightmare. "Slow down, slow down, slow down!" "You're going to go through that red light!" "Stop before you hit that kid!" "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" "I can't look, but I don't have the ability to look away!" There are many more phrases that a car may utter, but you get the gist. And if you decide to trade in your car, the car may become vengeful and come looking for you. Although the car would have to be able to control itself as well as talk, but you would still have hurt its feelings either way.
7. Your camera/camera phone. Most people nowadays tend to document every second of their lives. Your camera will get sick of you taking pictures of food that it can't taste or putting pictures of useless things on Instagram. "Another picture of that tree? Oh, it looks so much better than the other six pictures you've taken of it." Imagine it being able to comment on the more explicit photos you decide to take of yourself, as well as it reacting to all the kissing-pictures you may take with your significant other. Film cameras would just be grateful that they are finally getting used again after so many years. "I'm free! Oh beautiful sunlight! Take pictures of whatever you want, just don't put me back in the dark!" Poor film cameras...
8. Your credit card. When a person really gets the desire to buy something even though they know they shouldn't, the stare-down usually occurs. This is when you stare intently at your credit card, hoping it will give you some guidance as to whether or not you should buy it. If the card could talk back though, it would be my guess that nine times out of ten the card would convince you that you need to buy whatever you are contemplating buying. "You know you want it. Imagine how good your living room would look with that $200 rug in it. It would be so soft...that's right. Pick me up and type in my information." Not only this, but the credit card could tell other people what you've bought in the past. "By the way, how is that vibrator working out for you?" Not something that should be revealed on a first date.
9. Your childhood toys. This is my biggest fear to this day (especially dolls) and definitely something that should never, ever have the ability to talk. Even though Ted makes it look like it would be cool to have a teddy bear to walk, talk and hang out with, there will most likely come a time when they get tired of interacting with you and wish to move on to someone else. This would be hurtful to you, especially if you've had this object/toy since childhood, and you would not want to have to give them up. So it is best for everyone involved if the toys are just left silent. Unless they have batteries in them and have phrases already built in.
10. Food. Even though this may not be considered an object, it is definitely something that should remain silent. I'm not talking about cows and pigs and other animals when they are still alive, but after things have been killed or picked and are ready to eat. If food could talk, people would feel a lot more guilty about biting into an apple or a sandwich if they were begging you not to eat them. It would be an excellent way to keep from eating, but it would probably drive a person to never eat, and lead to starvation.
Many things would be cool if they had the ability to talk, especially pets, but there are a number of things out there that are silent, and we should be thankful for this.
Welp! There you go! My list of things that you wouldn’t want to have the ability to talk. If you think of any other cool lists I could compile, just let me know and I’ll see what I can do! Until next time…
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